I Can't Hear You, Lord

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As featured on Issues, Etc. "When you're fed up, and discouraged, and ready to throw in the towel, and you say to God, "I'm done! I'm through." Don't freak out when he says to you, " No, it's not over till I say it's over! I've got work for you to do! Come, live with Me and I'll show you! Don't be afraid. I've got you. You're Mine. I love you. Now here...grab hold of the net. My story, my Gospel. You toss it in right there where you live, where you work. And don't you make the mistake of thinking it's weak. It'll bring up a pile of people for My Kingdom. You'll see. Let's get going. We got boats to fill."

Random stuff from the last few days, because I might want / need it later. I applied for THE PERFECT JOB. Seriously, if I could've custom-designed a job that would've been it. Interviewers were really encouraging, and I got the impression that they would've hired me on the spot if they hadn't already committed to more interviews later. And...then...they HIRED SOMEONE ELSE. And I gotta say, I'm angry. I'm angry, I'm depressed with a capital D, I'm frustrated, and I'm just flat-out tired of hoping, tired of trying, and frankly tired of believing that God really does have my best interest and "something better than I ever imagined" for me when all I get is crap, crap, and more crap. My job has gotten progressively more hideous every day, it's getting harder and harder to get the motivation to even GO, and right now the only thing keeping me going to work every day and not quitting is thinking of what that would do to Kev if I just qui...

I don't know what you want from me, but I sure wish you'd stop screwing around with the sparrows and just tell me . I had an opportunity for The Perfect Job, and instead someone else was hired. Screw this. People tell me you love us even in adversity. Show me, dammit. SHOW. ME. Right now all I'm feeling is jerked around. And in my experience, you don't jerk around the ones you love.

So, I'm nervously awaiting to hear if I got the job I interviewed for that I really really REALLY want. And I went outside to go to the cafeteria, and stepped into the sun. I'm sure that later today I'll be complaining about how hot it is and how horribly icky and sticky and humid things are, but right then , for that moment , stepping into the sun felt like being enveloped in a warm, loving hug from God. And then, a little robin, who looked like he might still be shedding the last few down feathers, landed RIGHT in front of me. I mean, MAYBE 4 feet away. Cute little bugger. Fearless, I'll give him that. He didn't fly away as I walked by, either - he just hopped to the side on his quest for breakfast.

God, please... I'm at the end of my rope. God, please... I don't know what else to do. God, please... I hate my job, but I can't just quit. God, please... I have never, ever felt so much dislike for one place, one company, or one person as I do now. God, please... Please don't leave me here. Please don't keep me here where these feelings aren't just staying, they're getting worse. Please don't make me do this. God, please... Please. I need your help. I can't handle this job, this place, this life "style" anymore. I need something else. God, please... I don't see any way out. I don't see any hope. All I see and feel is despair. Please...please...please... Get me out of here. I want to go home. I want to go home to my family every night. I want to not feel nothing but contempt for my co-workers. I want to not hate my supervisor. I want to feel something besides hopeless despair. God, please.... Please.... Please....

God, I'm trying really hard to hold to your promises. I'm no longer merely asking, I'm begging and pleading. I'm no longer merely seeking, I'm frantically searching. I'm no longer merely knocking, I'm desperately pounding. I'm trying...very very hard....to hold on to your promises to care for us. But frankly, right now, I'm wondering if You think the sparrows are more important. Even if You don't give a fetid dingo's kidney about me, how'sabout thinking about my family please. And Zion - how about them? I'd take an interview today for pete's sake. I'd tell my "Engagement Manager" that something has come up that I need to take care of, see ya tomorrow, and I'd drive the freaking three hours to an interview. I'd take a substantial cut in pay. This situation is rapidly becoming intolerable , and You're the only one that can do anything about it. I've done everything I can. I've applied...

I was talking last week with WS and realized I just need to put my big-girl panties on and DEAL. And...fortunately or not, apparently that message is Approved By God, because I've gotten a lot of the same thing from the Lutheran Hour Daily Devotions, and the Meyer Minute, and from a conversation with CS last night. He mentioned that sometimes, things happen sort of...because they have to happen that way. Whether people in general want to ascribe it to God, or "fate" or (hey, why not) Psychohistory, sometimes things just come together in a way that not only works out better than we'd thought they would, but in retrospect appear to have been rather inevitable, given what went before. And, of course, we both attribute that to God working in peoples' lives. Which brings me to something WS asked me. "Can you be at peace with this job?" And I said, "No, actually I can't. I can't be at peace with it, and I can't be "okay" with...

This blog gets awfully whiney a lot of the time, so I thought I'd interject with some humor - and the Gospel. Just to remind myself that THIS is what's important.

Last night I came to the realization that we aren't really being told to give thanks for Teh Suck. "Wow, thanks God that my life totally sucks , yeah, I really appreciate that..." Nope. Not it at all. So...what ARE we being told to give thanks for? Same thing I did last night. "God...even though my situation may suck Major Yucky Rocks, thank you that YOU are working to make it for the best. Thank you that somehow, this will be all For The Good. I might not ever see it, but I know it's there, so thanks for that, at least." Doesn't make it any less sucky. But it does give the Suck a purpose.

Huh. I just read this bit from the TV Tropes website, about the book of Job: The lesson of the book was supposed to be to not treat God and religion as something formulaic, like Job and his friends had been doing - that they need to understand, not just blindly follow...The end of the book reveals that the entire thing was a big test to make Job see that questioning God and his actions IS okay, because he was only human. It didn't help that his wife and friends either wanted him to think it was his fault somehow, or straight out be blasphemous. God yelled at him for being stubborn at the end of it, but for being so faithful, gave him TWICE what he started with. Actually, surprisingly, the one that got off the easiest was the youngest of them, because, ironically, he was the wisest out of the four. Huh. That makes way, way WAY more sense than "God was testing Job" for...um...what reason again? Seriously, the "standard" interpretation that God allowed Job to b...

This one..I'm not even sure I want to post about it, except that I don't want to forget about it later, so I need someplace "permanent" for it. So. On the way home on Thursday, I started thinking about Giving Up Stuff For Lent, and how we do that to give up something important to us and so forth and so on. And then I realized that there's a lot of stuff I'd be way better off giving up that I was hanging on to, so I talked to God about it. I suppose you could say I prayed about it, but there was nothing remotely like the normal prayers we think of. It really was a chat. One sided, obviously, I mean really, see the URL, but still a chat. And what I "got" out of our chat is that I've been hanging onto misery . Yes, I'm not happy about my job, the commute sucks, being away from home and so on still blows. I'm still not "yay, I get to go live away from my family for another week!" But...I also don't need to be dwelling on ...

Stories of how people struggled out of despair into Hope in God just depress me. I know, I know, they're supposed to be inspiring, but I never have found them to be. They just tell me "look how sucky a Christian YOU are, YOU can't even believe enough to find hope, nyah. THESE people had it WAY worse than you. David lived in a cave! He ate rocks and bugs - and he liked it. " (I always envision that last bit in one of those old-guy wheezy voices. *snicker* ) And then I think, "Yeah, my faith and hope in God really isn't there, is it. Obviously, because I'm still all depressed and gloomy and stuff." Well, aren't I just the Unique little snowflake. Yep, that black one over there that nobody wants to see, because it's icky and dirty and stuff. Yeah, that's what those do to me. Hoping in God...it's so hard , some days. "On Christ the solid rock I stand All other ground is sinking sand." Please come rescue me, God, be...

And again we come to Lent. Interesting discussion on the radio today - Kudos to them for actually discussing Lent, and what it means, the reason behind the Imposition of Ashes on Ash Wednesday, and how we're all sinners. Unfortunately, no Gospel message. However, since it was a news show on TV, I have to give them props for at least discussing Christianity, frankly. And they were incredibly open about it. So...they of course got around to the discussion of "giving up stuff for Lent" (and the reasons behind THAT.) And, once again, I'm going to try to "take up" something for Lent instead. I'm going to try to stick with the Weight Watchers program and actually follow it and not just pig out because I can, or I want to. Maybe this time it'll stick. Maybe....maybe.....maybe....

I still don't WANT to move, but I guess I'm at last WILLING to move. I made a deal with God yesterday - that I'd apply for any job he'd send my way REGARDLESS of location, as long as it looked like something I'd like to do. Less than an hour later, Denise pinged me with information that there's a CATIA V4 job in Grand Rapids in a non-automotive capacity being listed by KForce. So...I applied. We'll see what happens.

Ya know...I kinda get the idea of how some of the Israelites must've felt at the Red Sea with Pharaoh's army coming down on them. OVERWHELMED. We cleaned a bit over the weekend...and did shopping...and of course I didn't get any sleep last night because my hip was hurting so damn bad I couldn't get comfortable. Then the drive in today, and dammit I just can't take it anymore. I mean, really! If we have to move we have to, at minimum , replace the fence around our property. That's going to cost a LOT, and I have no idea where it's coming from. And now of course taxes are coming due and we might or might NOT owe the feds anything, depending on what I can find out about our Property Tax - but we certainly will owe the STATE, because I just found out that my Short-Term Disability didn't take out any state taxes whatsofreakingever, so we'll owe the state at least $200. PLUS we'll have to paint, and I hope to God that we can get the carpets half...

Had a thought yesterday after hearing the Gospel reading...and the sermon. The reading is the one about the leper that tells Christ "If you will, I will be healed". Christ takes pity on him, touches him and heals him. The point was made in the sermon that leprosy cut that man completely off from God (or so he thought), since he was not only outcast from society, but obviously also from attending services in the Temple, and from offering sacrifices. No Word of God, since most people didn't have a Bible or a Torah to carry around - and you certainly wouldn't have one if you had no place to live. No forgiveness of sins, since that only occurred (they thought) when the sacrifice was offered. He was completely cut off from God. And he had no way to get back . That is, until God - in Christ - came to him . So here's my thought - to all you people who offer the platitude of "if you feel like God's far away then GUESS WHO MOVED"...ya know what? Someti...

We're told in the parable of the Good Shepherd that Jesus would leave the 99 sheep behind, safe in their paddock to go get the one wandering lost sheep that isn't in the sheep pen. Yet, we're also bombarded with trite little sayings like "if you feel far away from God, guess who moved?" I realize we can't sit fat, dumb, and happy in the pew every week and expect God to just "okay, do everything for me, I don't want to have to think, you do it all". BUT, sometimes, when we feel like everything really is falling to pieces, and we feel like God really is in the Kingdom of Far Far Away, and we aren't saying "screw it", we really are seeking His Word and praying and reading the Bible and "doing all the right things" ...then what? Sure, I get it , I'm not "aligned with his will". FINE, but it's a little difficult to do so when He's not exactly forthcoming about what that IS . Back to the game of ...

Okay, so. I've wanted a lot of things lately, and first and foremost I've wanted a job that would let me stay in Garrett. And then.... let's see, the readings for yesterday from Treasury of Daily Prayer were about Job and praising God even in adversity. And then today's Meyer Minute talked about Romans, and how even if "all things are working together for good", that GOOD has to be GOD'S way and we need to get our will OUT of the way. I need to say "God...YOUR will be done" and MEAN it. And I'm trying, I really am. But it's hard to shove it completely aside. I really, really, REALLY want to just move back to Garrett. I love it there - I love my church, my swimming pool, my fellow Lutherans, the attitude of the town... I love that it's right close to the Sem, so we can go and get new music, and new resources and actually see them first, to determine if we really WANT them - and of course I love the easy access to Kramer Chape...

I usually feel better, less pessimistic, less depressed, etc. So I figured that at least part of my disgruntlement, discouragement and depression from yesterday would be gone this morning. Yeah...no. I still don't like it here. I still don't like my JOB anymore. I still don't like my job description. I still can't imagine doing this for the next 20 years, and I get incredibly depressed trying. I still want something different. I still want...very much...to just quit . And I can't. And then last night's Bible Study was about JOB. Freaking JOB. And it was the usual: "well, JOB was patient and faithful through all HIS trials so we should be too ." Well, rah rah for him. Last time I checked I didn't resemble him in the SLIGHTEST. People are different and quite frankly right now I'm having a hard time holding it together at all, so preaching at me about how faithful JOB was just isn't gonna get me to change and say, "well, if JOB...

The only thing getting me up and going this morning, and keeping me from just saying "screw it, I quit" isn't even the thought of our bills, or obligations, or even "how will we buy FOOD". It's the thought of the look on Kev's face if I do that. I couldn't bring myself to do that to him. And that's all that's keeping me here right now. I guess it's a good thing I hate disappointing the people I love.

JOB WANTED The successful candidate for my employer will offer the following: A position with a high degree of autonomy. I am a self-starter and highly motivated, and I give my employer, fellow employees and customers my very best efforts. This position will allow me to work on my own, be responsible for my work and tailor my responses and efforts to reflect the changing needs of my employer, my supervisor, my fellow employees and my customers. This position may have a supervisor that requires daily updates, or a supervisor that only offers minimal contact - I am happy and can do a good job with either type of supervision. The position should not require a great deal of "team work" where several people are handling the same job (or sections of the same job). I am happy working with and for people, and I prefer a position where I am responsible for my work, and not in a "group project" setting. The position will be a busy, active one without a CONSTANT (or expec...

Yesterday I was sobbing over the prospect of having to come into work today. It wasn't just the "leaving home for the week" aspect, either - it was the whole damn thing. So...I'm making a Job Wanted Application. I decided to figure out what it was I wanted in a job, and I'm gonna post it. Coming soon. I know this much - it won't be Test Analysis. I've discovered that even though I may be GOOD at it, I don't like it very much. So...I'm posting my JOB WANTED, and I'm praying - HARD - while fighting back tears - that God sends me THAT JOB very very very soon. I don't care anymore if I have to move, just so long as I don't have to be away from my family all week, every week, anymore, and I don't have to do this Test Analysis "teamwork" stuff anymore. I'm tired of having a job where if ONE person can't be arsed to do their job properly, it makes us ALL look bad, and EVERYONE has to work overtime to make up the...

I'm tired. I'm tired of being responsible , I'm tired of trying to take consolation in the fact that "at least I'm helping someone and being useful somewhere - at least there's some good coming out of this sucky long-distance thing." Not that I don't like being helpful and helping out Tina and Tony. I do! But....I'm tired of MY family life being put on hold. I'm tired of not seeing MY family every night. I'm tired of planning for moving. I'm tired of thinking that the house will need THOUSANDS of dollars of fixes just to get it in "sellable" condition. I'm tired of thinking of the sucky housing market. I'm tired of all the STUFF that goes with trying to sell your house and move - and we haven't even really started to even PACK yet. I'm tired. I'm sick of this stupid job situation. I'm glad I have a job, especially in "today's economy", but for the love of little green apples I ...

Well, I guess I was wrong. I checked Craigslist for job listings, and there was one Office Manager position that looked interesting, so I applied for it. Now I'm all excited about THAT one, too. But that could just be because it's back home, the listing says it pays $54,000 / year PLUS benefits, and it's BACK HOME. And did I mention it's back home? Looks interesting, though. Now I'm thinking that summer job I had working for Chem-Bright might be paying off...20 years after I had it. I put ALL my office work experience from that job on the resume, because ALL of it was pertinent to the new OM position. Hoping...

Been thinking about the last few jobs that I've really really really wanted, and analyzing why I really wanted them. It started because of a conversation Kim & I had, and kind of went out from "what are you good and and what would you like to do". I started thinking, "okay, so, why did (do) I want that job?" The last one, the Tech Writing job in Butler, I didn't want so much because it was my Dream Job and the Best Job EVAR!!!!!eleventy!!!! so much as it was "good job that I am good at and I would (mostly) enjoy near home ." The biggest appeal of it was the location, not necessarily the position. I do hope that whoever they wound up hiring wanted the position as well, and that they're happy and a good fit. Somewhat the same thing is going on with the Office Manager job at Camp Arcadia. If it were an OM job at Random Manufacturing Job back home, sure I'd probably apply - but I wouldn't want it nearly this badly. I want it ...

Still feeling rather depressed and fairly apathetic. Sure, yeah, whatever, I'll play for service or not don't really care, etc. Some of it's just "winter", honestly. Some of it's probably the fact that I feel like I'm coming down with something - that "leading edge" of aaaaaalmost feeling like I might possibly be getting a cold. A little run down and tired, almost headachey, that sort of thing. But I know some of it's due to the ongoing situation. At least I'm not on the Edge Of Despair anymore, though. That's something to be pleased about. And I'm fighting the apathy (weird, innit, that's a contradiction of bizarre proportions) and depression, which I just flat-out could not do yesterday. Some of it's honestly due to this place, I think. When I'm not-here I'm doing pretty good. In the morning I'm pretty good. Afternoons are the worst. I don't know if it's just that my energy levels go down ...

So after my extended whine and Pity Party (attendance: 1) of yesterday, I did my Bible Study last night. I Am Not Making This Up: the assigned passage for the Portals of Prayer devotion yesterday was Matthew 11:25-30. Matthew 11:28-30 is one of my favorite passages of all time, and one I really needed to read yesterday. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Thanks, God.

Whining. Lots of whining ahead. So we decided we have to prepare to move. No clue where, or when, or even how yet, but we're going to prepare anyway. We're starting to clean and decrapify. Good idea. We'll do that first, get as much of that tackled as we can, before we start doing things like "rent a storage locker to move junk into" and "painting". But dangit, the whole "moving" thing is so overwhelming right now that I'm just completely depressed and discouraged about it. Sure, we can clean and decrapify, sure we can rent a storage locker to move our crap into, sure we can (probably) paint...but realistically, our house is going to need thousands of dollars worth of work, including a new privacy fence since ours is falling apart, and that's just to get it sellable. Especially in today's market, we might be able to get a sale price of what we CURRENTLY owe on it (mortgage and equity loan) but I sincerely doubt we'll ...

Well, Kev and I had a few Discussions over the Christmas Break. We're both getting a "feeling" that our days in Garrett are short. Maybe it's just that we're both TIRED to death of being separated for most of each week. Maybe it's just that we want to actually be TOGETHER each night, the way we're SUPPOSED to be. But in any case, we've both been getting the feeling that we're supposed to be packing and we'll be moving on soon. No idea where. Just...not there, anymore. I'm hoping for Arcadia, frankly. Which means that we're probably supposed to be going to Indianapolis. I'm sure it'll be great for my character or something. Has to be, because I hate hate hate big cities. Indy is no exception. It's better than most, but still. And it does have some good "selling points", lots of positives. I swear, if this is how Aaron felt even half the time, it's a good thing HE wasn't leading the Israelites. T...