For reference
Random stuff from the last few days, because I might want / need it later.
I applied for THE PERFECT JOB. Seriously, if I could've custom-designed a job that would've been it. Interviewers were really encouraging, and I got the impression that they would've hired me on the spot if they hadn't already committed to more interviews later.
And...then...they HIRED SOMEONE ELSE.
And I gotta say, I'm angry. I'm angry, I'm depressed with a capital D, I'm frustrated, and I'm just flat-out tired of hoping, tired of trying, and frankly tired of believing that God really does have my best interest and "something better than I ever imagined" for me when all I get is crap, crap, and more crap.
My job has gotten progressively more hideous every day, it's getting harder and harder to get the motivation to even GO, and right now the only thing keeping me going to work every day and not quitting is thinking of what that would do to Kev if I just quit.
I can't bear the thought of the look on his face...so I go.
I thought that I finally had the opportunity to get OUT of this place and go somewhere where not only would MY contribution be appreciated, but where I would enjoy working.
Instead, I feel like a dog who had a nice, big juicy steak dangled in front of his nose, only to have the steak whipped away and then gotten a big, steel-toe-boot kick in the butt for even THINKING I was going to get any part of that nice steak that was right in front of me.
My soul, I guess you could say, knows that God loves me and that he really does only have the best of things planned for me. But my heart? My head? Both of them are currently firmly convinced that, hey, I personally don't matter to Him. The World? yeah, sure. EVERYONE? Yep. Maybe even OTHER PEOPLE who are more important or something. But me personally? No.
Sorta like politicians: their Constituency is important to them as a whole, but does my Congressman even know who I am, let alone care that I'm stuck in a shitty job 150 miles from home? No he does not. And if God's got that "great better than I ever blah blah blah" in mind for me, it'd sure be helpful if He came through with it while I'm still young enough to appreciate it.
That great wonderful better etc job or source of income ain't gonna be all that special or even USEFUL if I don't see it till I'm 4895 years old, dammit. I know God works in "His own time" but I'm stuck in THIS TIME, and sometimes I wonder if He forgets that.
And then I get the Meyer Minute for today, and he says in part
And y'know, I guess that's what I mean when I say "my soul knows it." I have to hang on...even though right here, right now I don't much like God...and I don't really think he's all that interested in me.
But also...right here, right now....
Well, on my other blog I posted a video from My Fair Lady that seems appropriate. It still does.
So God...show me. If you love me...show me. ME, not "everyone". Something for ME, not "all people" or "the world" or even "my community". ME. Because, really, everything else is still "your constituency". It's completely impersonal, and frankly, at that point, I still don't matter.
I applied for THE PERFECT JOB. Seriously, if I could've custom-designed a job that would've been it. Interviewers were really encouraging, and I got the impression that they would've hired me on the spot if they hadn't already committed to more interviews later.
And...then...they HIRED SOMEONE ELSE.
And I gotta say, I'm angry. I'm angry, I'm depressed with a capital D, I'm frustrated, and I'm just flat-out tired of hoping, tired of trying, and frankly tired of believing that God really does have my best interest and "something better than I ever imagined" for me when all I get is crap, crap, and more crap.
My job has gotten progressively more hideous every day, it's getting harder and harder to get the motivation to even GO, and right now the only thing keeping me going to work every day and not quitting is thinking of what that would do to Kev if I just quit.
I can't bear the thought of the look on his face...so I go.
I thought that I finally had the opportunity to get OUT of this place and go somewhere where not only would MY contribution be appreciated, but where I would enjoy working.
Instead, I feel like a dog who had a nice, big juicy steak dangled in front of his nose, only to have the steak whipped away and then gotten a big, steel-toe-boot kick in the butt for even THINKING I was going to get any part of that nice steak that was right in front of me.
My soul, I guess you could say, knows that God loves me and that he really does only have the best of things planned for me. But my heart? My head? Both of them are currently firmly convinced that, hey, I personally don't matter to Him. The World? yeah, sure. EVERYONE? Yep. Maybe even OTHER PEOPLE who are more important or something. But me personally? No.
Sorta like politicians: their Constituency is important to them as a whole, but does my Congressman even know who I am, let alone care that I'm stuck in a shitty job 150 miles from home? No he does not. And if God's got that "great better than I ever blah blah blah" in mind for me, it'd sure be helpful if He came through with it while I'm still young enough to appreciate it.
That great wonderful better etc job or source of income ain't gonna be all that special or even USEFUL if I don't see it till I'm 4895 years old, dammit. I know God works in "His own time" but I'm stuck in THIS TIME, and sometimes I wonder if He forgets that.
And then I get the Meyer Minute for today, and he says in part
In ways no theology book could get into my being, I experienced what living by faith means. Faith means trusting the promises of God against the evidence. There are times when you not only think God has forgotten you but that He’s actually against you. That’s when you hang on to the promises for dear life; you hope. The Father refines His children, tries us, purifies us…all for our good that only He foresees. You get testy, you cry, doubt…but hang on against the evidence. “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). And that’s not about me; that’s for you.
And y'know, I guess that's what I mean when I say "my soul knows it." I have to hang on...even though right here, right now I don't much like God...and I don't really think he's all that interested in me.
But also...right here, right now....
Well, on my other blog I posted a video from My Fair Lady that seems appropriate. It still does.
Words!
Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love,
Show me! Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire. If you're on fire,
Show me! Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat! Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow. Show me now!
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Day one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms Hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine," Show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!
So God...show me. If you love me...show me. ME, not "everyone". Something for ME, not "all people" or "the world" or even "my community". ME. Because, really, everything else is still "your constituency". It's completely impersonal, and frankly, at that point, I still don't matter.
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