I Can't Hear You, Lord

I want Jim back. Desperately. Sure it's selfish. He's in heaven. He's with his savior. Why would I want to bring him back from that? Because I miss him. He's out of pain but I'm sure not. I miss him. I miss his arms around me. I miss talking to him. I miss just BEING with him. I know it's a waste of time to focus on WHY and it's better to focus on Christ, who went through sorrow and suffering for us. At the same time, even though the pain would still be there, I would somehow feel "better" if I knew that something good came out of all this. Like "well this sucks but I get it that it was for this reason or that one, because those things happened due to My Life Sucks Today." Sort of an "end justifies the means". But, I don't get reasons. I "just have to have faith". Whatever. 

So I’ve been told that when our lives go awry , God has something better planned for us. Romans  8:28 and all that. God works all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called for his purpose. Which IN THEORY is great, but it also feels like I’m a kid being told I can’t go to the pool this weekend—but what I haven’t been told is it’s because you’re taking me to Disneyworld or something. Well, so far I’ve had my pool privileges revoked twice now. This Disney trip better be fucking AWESOME, it better come really fucking SOON, and it better fucking last a fucking long time.  And yes I WILL continue to fucking drop f-bombs like I’m a fucking toddler who has simultaneously discovered the word AND that it horrifies the adults when I fucking say it.  Because I. Am. Fucking. DONE.

I don’t want to go to church by myself tomorrow. Overwhelming anxiety. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don’t know how to NOT catastrophize this. I miss you, my love.

​I’m not thankful. I’m not rejoicing. I don’t understand. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. I don’t understand. We only had a short time. We were supposed to grow old together. I don’t understand. We had plans. We were going to do things together. I don’t understand. I know I have no business telling God how to run HIS creation.  But it’s not supposed to go like this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This isnt right and WHY DIDNT HE FIX IT. Why? I just don’t understand. 

​people keep telling me I’m “so  strong”. I sure don’t feel it. I’m angry, I’m unhappy, I’m hurting, and I feel fragile enough to shatter. I’m not strong. I’m not who you think I am. And I won’t live in the shadow of expectations anymore,

Nothing is quite like a deathwatch. Simultaneously praying for it to end, and hoping for yet a little more time. Not wanting to be there, and yet it is the last -- indeed, the only -- thing i can do. And so i wait, and watch. Waiting for the end. Watching for rhe next breath. Hoping it doesnt come. Praying for his pain and trial to end. For this stage of mine to end, and the next stage to begin. And so i wait. And i watch. The last service i can do. And so I wait. And I watch. And i pray for it to end.