Selfish

I want Jim back. Desperately. Sure it's selfish. He's in heaven. He's with his savior. Why would I want to bring him back from that?
Because I miss him. He's out of pain but I'm sure not. I miss him. I miss his arms around me. I miss talking to him. I miss just BEING with him.
I know it's a waste of time to focus on WHY and it's better to focus on Christ, who went through sorrow and suffering for us.
At the same time, even though the pain would still be there, I would somehow feel "better" if I knew that something good came out of all this.
Like "well this sucks but I get it that it was for this reason or that one, because those things happened due to My Life Sucks Today."
Sort of an "end justifies the means".

But, I don't get reasons. I "just have to have faith".

Whatever. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not Really

​people keep telling me I’m “so  strong”. I sure don’t feel it. I’m angry, I’m unhappy, I’m hurting, and I feel fragile enough to shatter. I’m not strong. I’m not who you think I am. And I won’t live in the shadow of expectations anymore,
Read more

At the Red Sea

Ya know...I kinda get the idea of how some of the Israelites must've felt at the Red Sea with Pharaoh's army coming down on them. OVERWHELMED. We cleaned a bit over the weekend...and did shopping...and of course I didn't get any sleep last night because my hip was hurting so damn bad I couldn't get comfortable. Then the drive in today, and dammit I just can't take it anymore. I mean, really! If we have to move we have to, at minimum , replace the fence around our property. That's going to cost a LOT, and I have no idea where it's coming from. And now of course taxes are coming due and we might or might NOT owe the feds anything, depending on what I can find out about our Property Tax - but we certainly will owe the STATE, because I just found out that my Short-Term Disability didn't take out any state taxes whatsofreakingever, so we'll owe the state at least $200. PLUS we'll have to paint, and I hope to God that we can get the carpets half...
Read more