I Can't Hear You, Lord

I usually feel better, less pessimistic, less depressed, etc. So I figured that at least part of my disgruntlement, discouragement and depression from yesterday would be gone this morning. Yeah...no. I still don't like it here. I still don't like my JOB anymore. I still don't like my job description. I still can't imagine doing this for the next 20 years, and I get incredibly depressed trying. I still want something different. I still want...very much...to just quit . And I can't. And then last night's Bible Study was about JOB. Freaking JOB. And it was the usual: "well, JOB was patient and faithful through all HIS trials so we should be too ." Well, rah rah for him. Last time I checked I didn't resemble him in the SLIGHTEST. People are different and quite frankly right now I'm having a hard time holding it together at all, so preaching at me about how faithful JOB was just isn't gonna get me to change and say, "well, if JOB...

The only thing getting me up and going this morning, and keeping me from just saying "screw it, I quit" isn't even the thought of our bills, or obligations, or even "how will we buy FOOD". It's the thought of the look on Kev's face if I do that. I couldn't bring myself to do that to him. And that's all that's keeping me here right now. I guess it's a good thing I hate disappointing the people I love.

JOB WANTED The successful candidate for my employer will offer the following: A position with a high degree of autonomy. I am a self-starter and highly motivated, and I give my employer, fellow employees and customers my very best efforts. This position will allow me to work on my own, be responsible for my work and tailor my responses and efforts to reflect the changing needs of my employer, my supervisor, my fellow employees and my customers. This position may have a supervisor that requires daily updates, or a supervisor that only offers minimal contact - I am happy and can do a good job with either type of supervision. The position should not require a great deal of "team work" where several people are handling the same job (or sections of the same job). I am happy working with and for people, and I prefer a position where I am responsible for my work, and not in a "group project" setting. The position will be a busy, active one without a CONSTANT (or expec...

Yesterday I was sobbing over the prospect of having to come into work today. It wasn't just the "leaving home for the week" aspect, either - it was the whole damn thing. So...I'm making a Job Wanted Application. I decided to figure out what it was I wanted in a job, and I'm gonna post it. Coming soon. I know this much - it won't be Test Analysis. I've discovered that even though I may be GOOD at it, I don't like it very much. So...I'm posting my JOB WANTED, and I'm praying - HARD - while fighting back tears - that God sends me THAT JOB very very very soon. I don't care anymore if I have to move, just so long as I don't have to be away from my family all week, every week, anymore, and I don't have to do this Test Analysis "teamwork" stuff anymore. I'm tired of having a job where if ONE person can't be arsed to do their job properly, it makes us ALL look bad, and EVERYONE has to work overtime to make up the...

I'm tired. I'm tired of being responsible , I'm tired of trying to take consolation in the fact that "at least I'm helping someone and being useful somewhere - at least there's some good coming out of this sucky long-distance thing." Not that I don't like being helpful and helping out Tina and Tony. I do! But....I'm tired of MY family life being put on hold. I'm tired of not seeing MY family every night. I'm tired of planning for moving. I'm tired of thinking that the house will need THOUSANDS of dollars of fixes just to get it in "sellable" condition. I'm tired of thinking of the sucky housing market. I'm tired of all the STUFF that goes with trying to sell your house and move - and we haven't even really started to even PACK yet. I'm tired. I'm sick of this stupid job situation. I'm glad I have a job, especially in "today's economy", but for the love of little green apples I ...

Well, I guess I was wrong. I checked Craigslist for job listings, and there was one Office Manager position that looked interesting, so I applied for it. Now I'm all excited about THAT one, too. But that could just be because it's back home, the listing says it pays $54,000 / year PLUS benefits, and it's BACK HOME. And did I mention it's back home? Looks interesting, though. Now I'm thinking that summer job I had working for Chem-Bright might be paying off...20 years after I had it. I put ALL my office work experience from that job on the resume, because ALL of it was pertinent to the new OM position. Hoping...

Been thinking about the last few jobs that I've really really really wanted, and analyzing why I really wanted them. It started because of a conversation Kim & I had, and kind of went out from "what are you good and and what would you like to do". I started thinking, "okay, so, why did (do) I want that job?" The last one, the Tech Writing job in Butler, I didn't want so much because it was my Dream Job and the Best Job EVAR!!!!!eleventy!!!! so much as it was "good job that I am good at and I would (mostly) enjoy near home ." The biggest appeal of it was the location, not necessarily the position. I do hope that whoever they wound up hiring wanted the position as well, and that they're happy and a good fit. Somewhat the same thing is going on with the Office Manager job at Camp Arcadia. If it were an OM job at Random Manufacturing Job back home, sure I'd probably apply - but I wouldn't want it nearly this badly. I want it ...

Still feeling rather depressed and fairly apathetic. Sure, yeah, whatever, I'll play for service or not don't really care, etc. Some of it's just "winter", honestly. Some of it's probably the fact that I feel like I'm coming down with something - that "leading edge" of aaaaaalmost feeling like I might possibly be getting a cold. A little run down and tired, almost headachey, that sort of thing. But I know some of it's due to the ongoing situation. At least I'm not on the Edge Of Despair anymore, though. That's something to be pleased about. And I'm fighting the apathy (weird, innit, that's a contradiction of bizarre proportions) and depression, which I just flat-out could not do yesterday. Some of it's honestly due to this place, I think. When I'm not-here I'm doing pretty good. In the morning I'm pretty good. Afternoons are the worst. I don't know if it's just that my energy levels go down ...

So after my extended whine and Pity Party (attendance: 1) of yesterday, I did my Bible Study last night. I Am Not Making This Up: the assigned passage for the Portals of Prayer devotion yesterday was Matthew 11:25-30. Matthew 11:28-30 is one of my favorite passages of all time, and one I really needed to read yesterday. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Thanks, God.

Whining. Lots of whining ahead. So we decided we have to prepare to move. No clue where, or when, or even how yet, but we're going to prepare anyway. We're starting to clean and decrapify. Good idea. We'll do that first, get as much of that tackled as we can, before we start doing things like "rent a storage locker to move junk into" and "painting". But dangit, the whole "moving" thing is so overwhelming right now that I'm just completely depressed and discouraged about it. Sure, we can clean and decrapify, sure we can rent a storage locker to move our crap into, sure we can (probably) paint...but realistically, our house is going to need thousands of dollars worth of work, including a new privacy fence since ours is falling apart, and that's just to get it sellable. Especially in today's market, we might be able to get a sale price of what we CURRENTLY owe on it (mortgage and equity loan) but I sincerely doubt we'll ...

Well, Kev and I had a few Discussions over the Christmas Break. We're both getting a "feeling" that our days in Garrett are short. Maybe it's just that we're both TIRED to death of being separated for most of each week. Maybe it's just that we want to actually be TOGETHER each night, the way we're SUPPOSED to be. But in any case, we've both been getting the feeling that we're supposed to be packing and we'll be moving on soon. No idea where. Just...not there, anymore. I'm hoping for Arcadia, frankly. Which means that we're probably supposed to be going to Indianapolis. I'm sure it'll be great for my character or something. Has to be, because I hate hate hate big cities. Indy is no exception. It's better than most, but still. And it does have some good "selling points", lots of positives. I swear, if this is how Aaron felt even half the time, it's a good thing HE wasn't leading the Israelites. T...