I Can't Hear You, Lord

I wondered this weekend if I was really "waiting for God to tell me where He wanted me and what He wanted me to do", or if I'm just using that as an excuse to sit on my butt and do nothing. Move to Indy? Don't want to. Going to anyway, if we have to, but doesn't mean I want to. But...I wonder. When does "waiting upon the Lord" become "so I have an excuse to sit here and do nothing until I get The Answer"? And, since I have no real idea what God's trying to tell me (hey, look at the title of the blog, for pete's sake), that really means I'll never get the answer, unless God gets an email station installed up in Heaven. Meanwhile, I keep getting job offers for positions I am clearly unqualified for, and it's real dang obvious the recruiters didn't bother actually checking the resumes they're skimming. Heck, they're probably bot-scanning them and having the bot send out an auto-email to everyone who posts a r...

Also talked to Kev a bit about "future planning". We've decided that we've made some good progress at cleaning, and now we're going to "clean-for-moving". We have boxes in the garage, and we're going to start throwing away, boxing up, giving away, and generally get ready to move. No, I don't have any kind of idea where we're going - or even IF we're going. But...things can't go on like they have been. Our lives have been "on hold" for far, far too long. We can't really do anything, because every single thing we need or want to do together has to be crammed into Saturday. FRIDAY and Saturday, if we're lucky and I get to do a 4-day week. And, really...that's gone on FAR too long. I honestly don't know how much more of it I can take - it gets more and more depressing every Sunday night, when I know that I have to leave on Monday morning. Sunday is the Lord's Day, it shouldn't be depressing! S...

Good time over the weekend. Had some tense moments when we were asked "what is your problem with Nicole and Hal, specifically, and can you perhaps tolerate them for a few days so we can have Christmas with everyone together if they come up?" *sigh* I understand my mom's desire to have everyone together for the holiday. Celebrating with the ENTIRE family (or as much as she can get together) is very important to her. Especially if everyone can be there on the DAY, instead of "somewhere between Christmas and New Years." I've gotten really used to fragmenting my holiday celebrations, so honestly, it doesn't bug me (us) to celebrate Christmas with my parents on, say, December 28 or something, and with ONLY them, or just a few other people. In fact, I can honestly say I prefer just a FEW people rather than a BIG WHOLE CROWD. But I do understand my mom's desire. I get it, I really do. And Kev and I both really, really, really really reallyreallyreall...

A friend forwarded me a comment she'd seen on a message board: "How can I find out what God WANTS of me, when the only answer I seem to get from Him - ever - is NO? I try by Trial and Error, but I have no idea where to go if everything I TRY is a "whoops, not there"." I wonder the same thing. It's all well and good to say "well, obviously your desires aren't coinciding with His plans for you." But really, now, if EVERY SINGLE THING I try, in every direction, is met with a "not that..." then it's not so much my DESIRES not coinciding as it is "I have no clue whatsoever." If the only thing I hear is "NO" then how do I even tell what "YES" is? How do I know what God WANTS from me, what He wants me to do, if all I ever find out is what He DOESN'T want? When you've run out of ideas, when you've run out of even having questions , and the Still Small Voice isn't talking...then what? Pray...

After this weekend, I understand a bit more about the Israelites and their wandering. I mean, here they are in the wilderness, and God's providing everything for them - manna in the morning, water at night - from ROCKS, even! - and still they complain? Come ON, we say, why can't they SEE what God's done for them? He drowned Pharaoh's entire army , right in front of their eyes, and what's the next thing we read? They're complaining. What the heck??? Well, this weekend, we received an incredible gift. We got a check from Thrivent in the mail as part of a fundraiser our church sponsored to help us pay for my hospital bills from when I broke my ankle. That check alone would be enough to not only pay for January's payment, but a decent whack off the principal of the loan, as well. But no! We also were told that the church would be also sending a separate check - which will be enough to cover February's payment as well! Both of them are very very v...

I did say I was going to break it up into two parts. The second half of my thoughts revolved around "Wow...that's a loaded question, isn't it?" I mean, really, we always talk about "Trusting God" and then qualify it. "I trust God for my Salvation." "I trust God to do what's right for me." "I trust God {FILL IN THE BLANK}." But never - or at least, very RARELY - do we ever just say, or even THINK - "I trust God." Period full stop. I think it's because...that's a HARD THING TO DO. Think about it. I. Trust. God. No qualifiers. No limiters. No NOTHING. Either you do or you don't. For everything. In everything. About everything. Because of everything. Every where . Every when. In every situation. For every need. Just..... I. Trust. God. Nothing around it. Nothing behind it. Nothing following. THAT is an awe-full thought. I'm gonna work on that one for a while. I am trusting Thee, Lord J...

A friend asked me yesterday, while we were talking about several things, "Do you trust God?" Well, what kinda question is that, of course I do, I thought. "No, don't answer right away - just think about it." So...I have. And...lotsa thoughts. Of course. Because, y'know, everyone in my head has an opinion, and nobody's afraid to share. :D Think I'll break it up into two posts, hopefully that'll help organize things. This one'll be about How do I KNOW that I'm trusting Him? Why is it easier to trust Him for big stuff? See, told ya it was unorganized. How do I know I'm trusting Him? Really? I got no answer. My best days are still filled with sneaky little thoughts that I really, truly, honestly cannot get rid of. The "What Ifs" and the "oh and then there's this other thing..." still sneak in. And, as much as we'd like to believe we can control all our thoughts, the fact is, we just CAN'T. Think yo...

I was watching a video entitle "Reville" yesterday. Here 'tis, if you want to watch it. It's a tribute to Veterans, so it's appropriate for the day. This isn't an excuse to just publish that video, though. I was thinking over the video contents, and it occurred to me that it's sort of like our Christian Walk. Summary of the video: A retired Navy serviceman (I think he's an officer, but I'm not sure) is living in what I assume is a Senior Living Center. Every morning, first thing, he gets up and goes outside and hoists the flag. It's important to note that he's in his jammies. Well, one day a retired ARMY serviceman moves in across the little yard where the flagpole is. The rivalry is on - each of them races the other, every morning, to be the one to put THEIR United States Flag on the flagpole, and salute it with hand over heart. The rivalry escalates, from "being first" to wearing medals, and, finally, full uniform while ho...

So what does "Confessions of a Modern-Day Aaron" mean? No, I'm not setting myself up as High Priestess of some new cult. Don't be blasphemous. No, it just occurs to me that Aaron, as I said in the sidebar, was a flawed, sinful human, who nonetheless had one of the hardest jobs in the WORLD. He was the High Priest, for heaven's sake: the Chief Designated Representative Between God And The Israelites. And yet...God never really talked to him. Oh sure, God let him know what was what, through to his younger brother, Moses (and isn't THAT some sorta sibling rivalry for ya), but God never just made things real clear to him like He did for Moses, Elijah, and the other prophets. Yep, the fire pillar and smoke and stuff was real impressive, but I have to wonder just how many times Aaron thought, "You know...we've only got MOSES' word for it that these things are gonna take us to some nifty new place...wish I knew where we were going..." And that...

Okay, I'm going to use this blogspace to post all my whines, all my thoughts about Christian living, anything that occurs to me to post regarding Christianity, faith, and my experiences. Stay tuned.