After a good night's sleep
I usually feel better, less pessimistic, less depressed, etc. So I figured that at least part of my disgruntlement, discouragement and depression from yesterday would be gone this morning.
Yeah...no.
I still don't like it here. I still don't like my JOB anymore. I still don't like my job description. I still can't imagine doing this for the next 20 years, and I get incredibly depressed trying. I still want something different. I still want...very much...to just quit. And I can't.
And then last night's Bible Study was about JOB. Freaking JOB. And it was the usual: "well, JOB was patient and faithful through all HIS trials so we should be too." Well, rah rah for him. Last time I checked I didn't resemble him in the SLIGHTEST. People are different and quite frankly right now I'm having a hard time holding it together at all, so preaching at me about how faithful JOB was just isn't gonna get me to change and say, "well, if JOB could do it so can I! Praise God that my job sucks! Praise God that my commute from my sucky job last night took 4 times as long as it should have. Praise God that my commute into my sucky job this morning took 3 times as long as it should have. Praise God that I leave my family EVERY FUCKING WEEK and I don't get to see them at all for over half of each week so I can GO TO MY SUCKY JOB. Yep, Praise God for all that!"
Howsabout a Bible study on Elijah? You know, the guy that prayed to God and defeated (and slew) a couple hundred prophets of Baal and then immediately ran off and whined to God about how he was the ONLY faithful God-fearer left? Or Jeremiah - the Eternally Depressed Prophet? How about THEM, hmm? They talked to God all the time and were STILL depressed - why don't we ever hear about that? I'm tired of hearing all the time about how I should be Thankful and Praising and Glad and blah blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah.
How about "how to worship when you're so fucking depressed you can't even think straight"? What about that? What about "God loves you anyway even when your life sucks so hard you think your personal gravity level tripled"? How about "how to be a Christian when you feel like you're the only person that's This. Farking. Miserable."? I'd really prefer that over the canned "JOB was faithful and thankful and YOU SHOULD BE TOO, you stupid ingrate."
Yeah, whatever. I'm grateful I have a job. I'm grateful that I am staying with friends every night. I'm grateful I have a loving family to go home to every weekend.
But don't expect me to be grateful that my job STILL sucks, that I STILL don't like it and never will, and that sometimes I really feel like Elijah - completely on my own.
Yeah...no.
I still don't like it here. I still don't like my JOB anymore. I still don't like my job description. I still can't imagine doing this for the next 20 years, and I get incredibly depressed trying. I still want something different. I still want...very much...to just quit. And I can't.
And then last night's Bible Study was about JOB. Freaking JOB. And it was the usual: "well, JOB was patient and faithful through all HIS trials so we should be too." Well, rah rah for him. Last time I checked I didn't resemble him in the SLIGHTEST. People are different and quite frankly right now I'm having a hard time holding it together at all, so preaching at me about how faithful JOB was just isn't gonna get me to change and say, "well, if JOB could do it so can I! Praise God that my job sucks! Praise God that my commute from my sucky job last night took 4 times as long as it should have. Praise God that my commute into my sucky job this morning took 3 times as long as it should have. Praise God that I leave my family EVERY FUCKING WEEK and I don't get to see them at all for over half of each week so I can GO TO MY SUCKY JOB. Yep, Praise God for all that!"
Howsabout a Bible study on Elijah? You know, the guy that prayed to God and defeated (and slew) a couple hundred prophets of Baal and then immediately ran off and whined to God about how he was the ONLY faithful God-fearer left? Or Jeremiah - the Eternally Depressed Prophet? How about THEM, hmm? They talked to God all the time and were STILL depressed - why don't we ever hear about that? I'm tired of hearing all the time about how I should be Thankful and Praising and Glad and blah blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah.
How about "how to worship when you're so fucking depressed you can't even think straight"? What about that? What about "God loves you anyway even when your life sucks so hard you think your personal gravity level tripled"? How about "how to be a Christian when you feel like you're the only person that's This. Farking. Miserable."? I'd really prefer that over the canned "JOB was faithful and thankful and YOU SHOULD BE TOO, you stupid ingrate."
Yeah, whatever. I'm grateful I have a job. I'm grateful that I am staying with friends every night. I'm grateful I have a loving family to go home to every weekend.
But don't expect me to be grateful that my job STILL sucks, that I STILL don't like it and never will, and that sometimes I really feel like Elijah - completely on my own.
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