I Can't Hear You, Lord

Stories of how people struggled out of despair into Hope in God just depress me. I know, I know, they're supposed to be inspiring, but I never have found them to be. They just tell me "look how sucky a Christian YOU are, YOU can't even believe enough to find hope, nyah. THESE people had it WAY worse than you. David lived in a cave! He ate rocks and bugs - and he liked it. " (I always envision that last bit in one of those old-guy wheezy voices. *snicker* ) And then I think, "Yeah, my faith and hope in God really isn't there, is it. Obviously, because I'm still all depressed and gloomy and stuff." Well, aren't I just the Unique little snowflake. Yep, that black one over there that nobody wants to see, because it's icky and dirty and stuff. Yeah, that's what those do to me. Hoping in God...it's so hard , some days. "On Christ the solid rock I stand All other ground is sinking sand." Please come rescue me, God, be...

And again we come to Lent. Interesting discussion on the radio today - Kudos to them for actually discussing Lent, and what it means, the reason behind the Imposition of Ashes on Ash Wednesday, and how we're all sinners. Unfortunately, no Gospel message. However, since it was a news show on TV, I have to give them props for at least discussing Christianity, frankly. And they were incredibly open about it. So...they of course got around to the discussion of "giving up stuff for Lent" (and the reasons behind THAT.) And, once again, I'm going to try to "take up" something for Lent instead. I'm going to try to stick with the Weight Watchers program and actually follow it and not just pig out because I can, or I want to. Maybe this time it'll stick. Maybe....maybe.....maybe....

I still don't WANT to move, but I guess I'm at last WILLING to move. I made a deal with God yesterday - that I'd apply for any job he'd send my way REGARDLESS of location, as long as it looked like something I'd like to do. Less than an hour later, Denise pinged me with information that there's a CATIA V4 job in Grand Rapids in a non-automotive capacity being listed by KForce. So...I applied. We'll see what happens.

Ya know...I kinda get the idea of how some of the Israelites must've felt at the Red Sea with Pharaoh's army coming down on them. OVERWHELMED. We cleaned a bit over the weekend...and did shopping...and of course I didn't get any sleep last night because my hip was hurting so damn bad I couldn't get comfortable. Then the drive in today, and dammit I just can't take it anymore. I mean, really! If we have to move we have to, at minimum , replace the fence around our property. That's going to cost a LOT, and I have no idea where it's coming from. And now of course taxes are coming due and we might or might NOT owe the feds anything, depending on what I can find out about our Property Tax - but we certainly will owe the STATE, because I just found out that my Short-Term Disability didn't take out any state taxes whatsofreakingever, so we'll owe the state at least $200. PLUS we'll have to paint, and I hope to God that we can get the carpets half...

Had a thought yesterday after hearing the Gospel reading...and the sermon. The reading is the one about the leper that tells Christ "If you will, I will be healed". Christ takes pity on him, touches him and heals him. The point was made in the sermon that leprosy cut that man completely off from God (or so he thought), since he was not only outcast from society, but obviously also from attending services in the Temple, and from offering sacrifices. No Word of God, since most people didn't have a Bible or a Torah to carry around - and you certainly wouldn't have one if you had no place to live. No forgiveness of sins, since that only occurred (they thought) when the sacrifice was offered. He was completely cut off from God. And he had no way to get back . That is, until God - in Christ - came to him . So here's my thought - to all you people who offer the platitude of "if you feel like God's far away then GUESS WHO MOVED"...ya know what? Someti...

We're told in the parable of the Good Shepherd that Jesus would leave the 99 sheep behind, safe in their paddock to go get the one wandering lost sheep that isn't in the sheep pen. Yet, we're also bombarded with trite little sayings like "if you feel far away from God, guess who moved?" I realize we can't sit fat, dumb, and happy in the pew every week and expect God to just "okay, do everything for me, I don't want to have to think, you do it all". BUT, sometimes, when we feel like everything really is falling to pieces, and we feel like God really is in the Kingdom of Far Far Away, and we aren't saying "screw it", we really are seeking His Word and praying and reading the Bible and "doing all the right things" ...then what? Sure, I get it , I'm not "aligned with his will". FINE, but it's a little difficult to do so when He's not exactly forthcoming about what that IS . Back to the game of ...

Okay, so. I've wanted a lot of things lately, and first and foremost I've wanted a job that would let me stay in Garrett. And then.... let's see, the readings for yesterday from Treasury of Daily Prayer were about Job and praising God even in adversity. And then today's Meyer Minute talked about Romans, and how even if "all things are working together for good", that GOOD has to be GOD'S way and we need to get our will OUT of the way. I need to say "God...YOUR will be done" and MEAN it. And I'm trying, I really am. But it's hard to shove it completely aside. I really, really, REALLY want to just move back to Garrett. I love it there - I love my church, my swimming pool, my fellow Lutherans, the attitude of the town... I love that it's right close to the Sem, so we can go and get new music, and new resources and actually see them first, to determine if we really WANT them - and of course I love the easy access to Kramer Chape...